i told you if i’m writing another book it’ll be about the many pancakes and waffles, their fluffiness and how your voice muffled when you stuff your mouth with layers and layers of them in a cold morning breeze, how you said too many craps on them these days you feel the original still stand out—old fashioned buttered batter. the o-ri-gi-nal you said one morning, when leaves were crisps falling and the day was ready and the sun was warm enough to run around the grass barefoot—i thought how wonderful if we could just lie there staring at the sky and so we did. i love you. can we not be sad again?
Youth is a strange thing, you felt like you knew who you were, but at the same time, confused
of what to do with yourself. There’s just too much energy gone and wasted, so much love and
hope, washed down the drain. So fast, so quick to temper.
in my sleeps i picture you awake the whole time when you were torn in two, hanging upside down from your jeep. stream of blood on your face. perhaps you became stronger from all that pain. you learned to endure and pull through. and for the rest of your life you would.
and it’s all my fault.
It’s very strange that the people you love are often the people you’re most cruel to.
sometimes things get worse for no reason and i have no word for it.
There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.
Laurell K. Hamilton
That night I heard you whimpered I thought I was dreaming but you struggled on your side of the bed, waking me up just to find you sweating and crying.
You started to have these dreams, where you were fighting for breaths in a sea of sludge, you were crawling on legs you could not feel, you were drowning. You struggled to breathe for hours. You were crying and it felt like I broke apart.
These nightmares were recurring, so I let you drink to fall back to sleep.
But it’s daylight now, bright and sunny, and you’re drinking again. You have turned into a zombie, but subdued and mute. You sat by the piano, staring at the keys. I wasn’t sure you were really there. You hardly eat. Sleep got you restless. You just sat there, day and night and day. You barely talk to me, as if I too wasn’t really there.
I didn’t really want to go and left you alone when everything felt unreal to you and you weren’t even there to feel, or to be. But maybe, just maybe, you wanted to be alone.
Maybe, just maybe, the sea of sludge was me.
I hardly hear you, holding back tears like that and you know I wanted you to say it, that I was there for a reason. But the truth was, I couldn’t bear myself to see you like this, every night, and day and night and day. I was exhausted.
You’re so thin, your bones sprouting out of your elbows. Your jaw turned sharp that you looked so different sometimes. I had to convince myself you’re just the same as before your accident.
i have blown a thousand apologies into the air, didn’t you feel them in your breaths when you’re running into the wind? feel me there. feel me in your lungs, in your chest, inhale me into your veins —here’s to every moment i made you bleed. here’s to every pain every sting every stab every scar and every kiss. here’s to everytime i leave with not so much to keep…
I was eighteen, you were twenty four. I was high, you were a gentleman. I was high but I remember thinking how handsome you were that day. How serene of a face. How kind and loving of a person you were and I didn’t even know you.
you are hope, hopping
you trample here and there and in between existence for absence is what you do best, to make the heart grows fonder
isn’t your strength
you’d stay in bed for days
for tiny heartbreaks persistence is when you speak of love you never speak low even in silence your screams aloud
loving to the end
longing to be found again
you’re my star, my big big shining star, I met you
one night, I met you under the limelight
your oversized shirt and my boots a number too small, they hurt my feet I’ve been limping dancing my years away
if only I knew how to tell you how I long
to hold your hand, but your fingers show me you want nothing but to slip them into mine and be vulnerable
so I held my guard down for that one. minute.
you didn’t turn the lights on and sat in the dark with me and I turned sluggish swimming an ocean of pride,
where’s my life-jacket?
still I let you
I let you love
you’re something big and I am
nothing more than forgotten dew in
a windy morning, but you,
you are sunlight
you are a new day
you have that smile, that
held back smile and a twinkle
in the eye
that says that I am
more than what I show
and I feel that I am more
than I want to be
hello hello, you said hello
I said goodbye, I love you, goodbye
-hello, goodbye, I love you from Letters to Lovers Lost.
happiest day, my love my darling, may god spend a little more time on you for the rest of your days.