words. hearts. secrets.
…because friendship and intimacy are subjective, and there isn’t a widely used scale researchers share to define those concepts across studies. Closeness can be particularly squishy.
today i mourn for the things i never get to explain, left unsaid, silenced under pressure. i wish i don’t remember them so vividly.
Let’s keep this love a secret. Let’s forget all about it and pretend it never happened. And years from now you can smile that smile that did me in years ago and I will let you sweep me off my feet and under the rug once again.
Crumbs, Diana Perry
how would i explain it with words or otherwise, or to anyone anyhow, the way that i feel and this feeling i have when i’m with you i can’t seem to feel with anybody else.
in the shower i become
knowledgable
of all the wounds i didn’t know i had
scratches from god knows where
i’ve been, a cut
on my calf that wouldn’t heal
purple bruises from last year retreat,
“cooking accident”, did that
fool you, there’s just too many
i can’t explain
some mistakes are permanent
others continue carrying the weight
i know, sorry i broke you, this has been
weighing me too,
do they still hurt because now
i do not feel safe loving
anyone like this ever again
Sometimes I felt that there was something physical connecting us, a long rope that stretched between Boston and Portland: when she tugged on her end, I felt it on mine. Wherever she went, wherever I went, there it would be, that shining twined string that stretched and pulled but never broke, our every movement reminding us of what we would never have again.
Hanya Yanagihara
to be alone thinking of you, how tiresome of a burden.
it’s just that when you’re in love you’re more accepting than you’ve even been, more than you’ll ever be.
… the overwhelming majority disliked [“childless” and “childfree”], with one being seen as stigmatising and the other gleeful and nasty in its implication that parents somehow need “liberating”.
… that’s one reason why – when absolutely necessarily – “doesn’t have children” is the kindest, most neutral descriptor we can hope for. Though we can also hope to be moving away from one’s parenting status needing to be defined at all, especially for women, who still face this question far more frequently than men. Language matters, and as ever it often says more about us and our assumptions than we realise.
read more here.
i no longer am talking to most people in my life simply because we have no longer things to talk about. sometimes it’s not personal.
my existence doesn’t matter to them. i could be dead tomorrow and they still wouldn’t find things to chat about.
i wish i were a goldfish. i forget things but not ones that destroy me.
you have no idea how much.
what can i say about me in a five-year timespan?
everything and nothing.
it’s funny when you fill out fellowship applications they will ask you where do you think you will be in five years, what do you see? expecting you to be somewhere else, a different person, in a different place. they will dismiss at once the idea of being a static, a stagnant.
but here’s five years after living abroad.
1. no matter where you go, or where life takes you, you are still you. i came there to cleanse myself of myself, off of myself, and here I am still the same.
2. you will see more and more evil in this world, they came in different faces of kindness and sincerity. you will be fooled and you will not grow out of it. still, you keep wanting more and more. you always want more. arms wide open, bleeding just the same.
3. they will stab you in the back time and time again, and you will endure. you will cry, but you will endure. you will not get over it. shopping is a cure and you will go broke from the stabs. you continue to live, of all the whispers and screams, you’ll live.
4. everything that seems fancy, is not. go back to what you love, who you love, they’re there for you, and they will be there for you, again and again. put them in a frame, and carry them in your heart.
5. friends leave. let them go. it’s alright. you were born alone.
6. it will be exhausting and you will be exhausted. and death is not coming to get you. you will create an escape in the least things expected, in the most unthinkable ways. you will survive. you will not be smiling, but you will survive.
here’s to everything and nothing the same.
maia diaries 