Robbie Loved You a Bit Too Much Sometimes
She was as I saw her the last time: confident, so sure of herself that she scared me. She was what I was afraid of, the kind of stability that would only suffocate me.
I should have not taken you away from her. I should not have come between the two of you. She was your soulmate and you, hers. You’re so steady with her like you could face everything together. Unlike us where everything was hot and cold and there’s days I didn’t want you, days I spent with people I thought I loved. I didn’t want you and you felt unwanted, abandoned.
One look and she said to me, “Of course you’ll be here.”
What I heard was, “You’ve done enough damage.”
And I imagine you in that bed, alone, where you should not be had you not meet me, probably living your life still, careless and free, alive and not dying.
She said exactly that.
Just imagine if I stayed away just like she told me off once in a bathroom stall a long long time ago.
But I loved you, I loved you! How could I stay away?
But she said I could have and you’d still be standing. She was right and I felt my insides crawling leaving, slowly but surely, seeping away like thin smoke. My insides no longer belonged to my body and I was gone for good.
People talked to me and I heard them faintly but I wasn’t there.
Jetter asked me what she said to me on our way home but honestly I couldn’t remember anything, I only felt like I should undo me.
I know I wrote once after Camden beat you up, you came to see me. You were sweet and I told you, you’re a Daddy now.
But as I lived on in this side of the story, everything got rotten. You were broken. You didn’t wake up the next day, you didn’t come to see me.
Emma Glows at Sunsets
I don’t know her. But I imagine Emma glows at sunsets. She radiates like the sun. Even now as I am writing this, I could see her face smiling at me and it gives me warmth in my stomach. How tender she must have been with you. You smiled differently, you seemed happy. When I saw you with her, I felt peaceful. If you should be with anyone, it should be her.
I imagine all sorts of things about her. How she takes her morning coffee. How she sings in the shower. How she glides on stage, singing and chanting her lines. I imagine the crowd inside the theater mesmerized by how she moves, how she speaks, how she shines. She has so much light. She was the light you needed in times of gloom and darkness. I’m thankful for her, but only in some hidden parts of me.
To say that Emma is talented is an understatement, but she’s humbling, even more with a star’s qualities. You met her when you were working on music scores for one of her sold out plays. They took it out from Broadway, touring around the globe. You needed a space to forget me, and so you two met.
Joe told me this.
He didn’t mean to set you up with her, you just happened to be there when Joe, Shelly, James, and Emma had dinner at the Bel Air. You were at the bar, drinking alone yet another night not long after we broke up. Joe dragged you in to join their table.
You didn’t even say much, nor did she. But you and beautiful Emma, you two exchanged looks like no one else was there. You loved the way she smiled almost immediately, how enchanting that you couldn’t take your eyes off of her.
She drove you home that night because you were a bit tipsy. You gambled fate by asking her to stay the night and she did.
But she wasn’t me. She didn’t wake you up the way I did. She didn’t make your coffee the way I did (too much sugar!). She didn’t make you breakfast. She went into shower and head off to work. She didn’t say goodbye. She smiled at you from the door as if she knew you weren’t really there.
And just like that she’s gone.
And you were alone (and lonely) again.
But perhaps she did wake you up the way I did. She did make your coffee exactly the way you wanted it, and she made you perfect breakfast: french toast with sprinkled Swiss cheddar, or just a plain old blueberry pop tarts, piled and warmed up, glazed with honey. She kissed you goodbye and said would call for a dinner date, you didn’t have to do anything. She’s perfect and you fell in love head over hills for her.
Only years after I would know you weren’t with her. The whole time I wasn’t there you were lonely, working like a dog, then hopping from one bar to another, drinking.
things that disappear
most days i write you
into things that disappear
sometimes i write you
there’s a small stain in the left
hand corner, it is having a hard time
and i think, it looks a lot