neither.

… the overwhelming majority disliked [“childless” and “childfree”], with one being seen as stigmatising and the other gleeful and nasty in its implication that parents somehow need “liberating”.

… that’s one reason why – when absolutely necessarily – “doesn’t have children” is the kindest, most neutral descriptor we can hope for. Though we can also hope to be moving away from one’s parenting status needing to be defined at all, especially for women, who still face this question far more frequently than men. Language matters, and as ever it often says more about us and our assumptions than we realise.

read more here.

those blues you sang.

from here.

someday. (4)

keep going when you’re on a high…

And Then I Felt Sad…

And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can’t ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older as you see the people in your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it’s already happened.

Life After God, Douglas Coupland

Why I Did What I Did

because first and foremost, before anything else, I am me.

It was a bad day and I could not spend any more hours sitting in my car in the parking lot before classes. I took two girls out to a late lunch that day and told them: in a distant past, I did a very bad thing and I haven’t been able to move on from it.

They didn’t ask questions, they just sat there with me, eating.

That day I decided, I was going to quit my job.

Resigning from an established institution was a torture. Convincing your superiors that they could easily let you go, that there would be someone else, and they might be a lot better doing what you were doing, is. a. torture.

Of course they wouldn’t let me go. They offered me positions, new spaces, new title. New office in the city. They were tempting. I could hear my younger ambitious self screaming loud inside my ears.

Who wouldn’t want to be part of an Ivy League team, sitting in that ivory tower, judging everyone while at the same time being an inspiration to a lot of people? Never have I ever in my life been treated better than when I had that title. It followed me everywhere and gave me the privilege my parents wanted me to have. I finally lived up to their expectations, being the trophy kid all my life, ignoring all stabbing knives on my back while smiling in front of hundreds of audience, hoping they would gain some kind of wisdom at the end of the day. What a time to be alive.

But I needed a good cry. I needed to hear music again. Someone just wrote a song for me, about how wonderful I was when I was none other than who I truly was at my core. I needed to cry. Not in-the-shower cry. Not the kind I had before I went to sleep. Not screaming into a pillow, no. Not that kind of cry.

I needed to go somewhere far, and shed that single tear, and meet me again.

It’s been different ever since. Different. Living your true self is a struggle when obviously it’s a lot easier to portray what everyone thinks of you. So I cut everyone loose and let them go. Appointments, canceled. Contacts, blocked. Social media, deleted. Said goodbye without them knowing, or aware of it. I just wanted to be me.

Why is it so hard to be alone these days? Why wouldn’t you? I want to. I want to be alone, to be by myself – to finally be able to breathe. Life is so precious, you wouldn’t want living hating it. It’s why I did what I did.

The Birds Never Tell You Why They’re Flying South…

Let me tell you about time: it doesn’t heal, it goes on. It changes you into different people and when you are in a different place, you see different things -and if you’re lucky enough, you see things differently (you might write about it too).

And that is it. There’s nothing about healing has anything to do with how time stretches between you and your wounds. They will always be there to remind you where you’re coming from.

My book went live few hours ago and everytime it always come down to this feeling of helplessness in letting go. And that is the only healing I could ever get from writing it.

Life always, always, gets you caught off guard and I am spent.

Having THE Cake and Eating It Too!

alphabets-clay-colors-954599

Dear friends, lovers, and followers,

I might just revive this blog again. For recently I decided to come out of the closet: I am in fact, an author. As Rilke once said that if you go to sleep thinking about writing and waking up thinking about writing, then you are a writer. And I did. I do. For the last twenty years of my life I have been thinking of every lost word on that way to campus, when I was teaching, or in a meeting, when I was in the shower, and the minutes I woke up at night. I got poems in my head while I was asleep. It’s clear to see, to feel, I am a writer and always has been.

So I quit my job and decided to travel and write. I’m the happiest.