“Honest writing always makes people nervous, and they’ll think of all kinds of ways to make your life hell. ”
They told me that I was meant for the cleaner life;
that you would drag me through the mud.
They said that you would tread all over me,
that they could see right through you,
that you were full of hot air;
that I would always be chasing,
always watching you disappear after sleeker models—
that it would be a vicious cycle.
But I know better. I know about your rough edges
and I have seen your perfect curves.
I will fit into whatever spaces you let me.
If loving you means getting dirty, bring on the grime.
I will leave this porcelain home behind. I’m used to
twice-a-day relationships, but with you I’ll take all the time.
And I know we live in different worlds, and we’re always really busy,
but in my dreams you spin around me so fast, I always wake up dizzy.
So maybe one day you’ll grow tired of the road
and roll on back to me.
And when I blink my eyes into morning,
your smile will be the only one I see.
No Matter the Wreckage
Saw him at a party. I saw her too, the pale mannequin he’s with. She’s tall and pretty. He was far, and I didn’t need to come near. I decided to stay away.
But he saw me.
I smiled at him. Happy-for-you smile. As I was happy, for him. He’s alive. And happy. Doesn’t matter if it’s without me.
He raised his glass and nodded, smiling back at me. And with that I let go.
How liberating. To be the bigger person. When you don’t feel like owning anything, anyone, but memories. Only memories.
Life goes on.
craving for achievements, but at the same time resistant to being recognised.
my existence a third degree burn.
Today I realised that I’ve been thinking of you for almost more than half of my life. For so many years I’ve been thinking of you.
Every single day in that almost more than half of my life, I’ve thought of you, in sadness, in pain, in love and in vain. Every single day of my life since I first met you I have thought of you solemnly, ravishingly.
Happy anniversary, my dearest
I love you with all my heart and soul
i’m sorry for what happened. i’m sorry you have to go through this again and again. and blamed senseless for these things you have no control over.
i’m sorry i didn’t call and say this in person only because i care about you too much to make a shift to this safe distance that we have built so hard so carefully for so long.
but today i am thinking of you and your family and hope that you can move on and heal from this and come out stronger as you always have.
Years away now. Years my life without you near. Years in solitude and just like that you came back into my life. No signs, no hunch. No sting in your gut trying to tell you this is the day. This is the day you’re going to again meet the love of your life. You got rid of him and now the universe is giving you a second chance.
What have I done? I set you free. I have set you free.
don’t you people be worried. he will make a public appearance sooner than you’d think. my next piece does not represent in any way his state of well-being.
and if you’d go easy with the death threats (i died inside a long time ago anyway), that’d be great!
You don’t love because: you love despite; not for the virtues, but despite the faults.
She was as I saw her the last time: confident, so sure of herself that she scared me. She was what I was afraid of, the kind of stability that would only suffocate me.
I should have not taken you away from her. I should not have come between the two of you. She was your soulmate and you, hers. You’re so steady with her like you could face everything together. Unlike us where everything was hot and cold and there’s days I didn’t want you, days I spent with people I thought I loved. I didn’t want you and you felt unwanted, abandoned.
One look and she said to me, “Of course you’ll be here.”
What I heard was, “You’ve done enough damage.”
And I imagine you in that bed, alone, where you should not be had you not meet me, probably living your life still, careless and free, alive and not dying.
She said exactly that.
Just imagine if I stayed away just like she told me off once in a bathroom stall a long long time ago.
But I loved you, I loved you! How could I stay away?
But she said I could have and you’d still be standing. She was right and I felt my insides crawling leaving, slowly but surely, seeping away like thin smoke. My insides no longer belonged to my body and I was gone for good.
People talked to me and I heard them faintly but I wasn’t there.
Jetter asked me what she said to me on our way home but honestly I couldn’t remember anything, I only felt like I should undo me.
I know I wrote once after Camden beat you up, you came to see me. You were sweet and I told you, you’re a Daddy now.
But as I lived on in this side of the story, everything got rotten. You were broken. You didn’t wake up the next day, you didn’t come to see me.
I don’t know her. But I imagine Emma glows at sunsets. She radiates like the sun. Even now as I am writing this, I could see her face smiling at me and it gives me warmth in my stomach. How tender she must have been with you. You smiled differently, you seemed happy. When I saw you with her, I felt peaceful. If you should be with anyone, it should be her.
I imagine all sorts of things about her. How she took her morning coffee. How she sang in the shower. How she glided on stage, singing and chanting her lines. I imagined the crowd inside the theater mesmerized by how she moved, how she spoke, how she shined. She had so much light. She was the light you needed in times of gloom and darkness. I was thankful for her, but only in some hidden parts of me.
To say that Emma is talented is an understatement, but she’s humbling, even more with a star’s qualities. You met her when you were working on music scores for one of her sold out plays. They took it out from Broadway, touring around the globe. You needed a space to forget me, and so you two met.
Joe told me this.
He didn’t mean to set you up with her, you just happened to be there when Joe, Shelly, James, and Emma had a dinner at the Bel Air. You were at the bar, drinking alone yet another night not long after we broke up. Joe dragged you to join their table.
You didn’t even say much, nor did she. But you and beautiful Emma, you two exchanged looks like no one else was there. You loved the way she smiled almost immediately, how enchanting that you couldn’t take your eyes off of her.
She drove you home that night because you were a bit tipsy. You gambled fate by asking her to stay the night and she did.
But she wasn’t me. She didn’t wake you up the way I did. She didn’t make your coffee the way I did (too much sugar!). She didn’t make you breakfast. She went into shower and head off to work. She didn’t say goodbye. She smiled at you from the door as if she knew you weren’t really there.
And just like that she’s gone.
And you were alone (and lonely) again.
But perhaps she did woke you up the way I did. She did make your coffee exactly the way you wanted it, and she made you perfect breakfast: french toast with sprinkled Swiss cheddar, or just a plain old blueberry pop tarts, piled and warmed up, glazed with honey. She kissed you goodbye and said would call for a dinner date, you didn’t have to do anything. She’s perfect and you fell in love head over hills for her.
Only years after I would know you weren’t with her. The whole time I wasn’t there you were lonely, working like a dog, then hopping from one bar to another, drinking.
Last night I saw you again but you were half asleep. When you were half awake you told me you don’t want me to see you like this and I said I understand. I kissed your hair and left.
All those cookies you brought me, water and lilies. You don’t want life to get to me because it got you. You don’t want me to get hurt because it hurts you and it’s why you’re there.
I wish I could word this better, maybe someday.
you said, don’t move too fast.
i said, you don’t have to catch me anymore.
i can only live in secrecy
is why i left
i really want to say i’m sorry but i’m not really.
I remember every vague step I took to bring me closer to the core of the horizon. Each was heavy, still with hope and my love for you oh it’s true you were the reason I live for, like the cross I carry.
sometimes i forget you’re a commodity.
Youth is a strange thing, you felt like you knew who you were, but at the same time, confused
of what to do with yourself. There’s just too much energy gone and wasted, so much love and
hope, washed down the drain. So fast, so quick to temper.
in my sleeps i picture you awake the whole time when you were torn in two, hanging upside down from your jeep. stream of blood on your face. perhaps you became stronger from all that pain. you learned to endure and pull through. and for the rest of your life you would.
and it’s all my fault.
sometimes things get worse for no reason and i have no word for it.
That night I heard you whimpered I thought I was dreaming but you struggled on your side of the bed, waking me up just to find you sweating and crying.
You started to have these dreams, where you were fighting for breaths in a sea of sludge, you were crawling on legs you could not feel, you were drowning. You struggled to breathe for hours. You were crying and it felt like I broke apart.
These nightmares were recurring, so I let you drink to fall back to sleep.
But it’s daylight now, bright and sunny, and you’re drinking again. You have turned into a zombie, but subdued and mute. You sat by the piano, staring at the keys. I wasn’t sure you were really there. You hardly eat. Sleep got you restless. You just sat there, day and night and day. You barely talk to me, as if I too wasn’t really there.
I didn’t really want to go and left you alone when everything felt unreal to you and you weren’t even there to feel, or to be. But maybe, just maybe, you wanted to be alone.
Maybe, just maybe, the sea of sludge was me.
I hardly hear you, holding back tears like that and you know I wanted you to say it, that I was there for a reason. But the truth was, I couldn’t bear myself to see you like this, every night, and day and night and day. I was exhausted.
You’re so thin, your bones sprouting out of your elbows. Your jaw turned sharp that you looked so different sometimes. I had to convince myself you’re just the same as before your accident.
i have blown a thousand apologies into the air, didn’t you feel them in your breaths when you’re running into the wind? feel me there. feel me in your lungs, in your chest, inhale me into your veins —here’s to every moment i made you bleed. here’s to every pain every sting every stab every scar and every kiss. here’s to everytime i leave with not so much to keep…
I was eighteen, you were twenty four. I was high, you were a gentleman. I was high but I remember thinking how handsome you were that day. How serene of a face. How kind and loving of a person you were and I didn’t even know you.
You and I moved fast and slow, twisted time to match the beat of our hearts, eyes closed to something no one dared to see. Go on, I said, you’ve made your choice but we breathed and lived for all the wrong reasons and you left for years without looking back and here you are now, bittersweet perfection, sullen and angry like a Cat 3 hurricane too far offshore to be noticed, sad and angry like the hot tears you once cried so long ago in July.
When you proposed you didn’t have a ring, and it was not pancakes, it was eggs. It was not fairytale-like or slow paced romantic. It was late morning and you smelled like penicillin. Your hair was crazy curls and you hadn’t shaved for like a week. You blurted, “what if you changed your name into Mrs.C.” I was stunned, offended, my eggs burnt. I said you can’t say things like that, smelling like that, looking like that. First take a shower, get a ring, and ask on bended knee. You said nonchalantly: my knees hurt.
no one agrees but she’s me in my wedding dress
no one agrees but we both know she looks like me
no one should know but we both know the truth
i have too much to keep
too little to share
too vague to make clear
too soft for a love like yours
i’d like to believe that people are essentially (and substantially) good.
you know sometimes these tiny residual grief, they’re just floating around waiting to land on something. sometimes they land in the most menial, trivial thing you don’t even care about. and then boom, they’re there again.
today i mourn for the things i never get to explain, left unsaid, silenced under pressure. i wish i don’t remember them so vividly.
Let’s keep this love a secret. Let’s forget all about it and pretend it never happened. And years from now you can smile that smile that did me in years ago and I will let you sweep me off my feet and under the rug once again.
Crumbs, Diana Perry
I looked at your face while you were sleeping and this habit of mine I could not seem to let go. You looked so peaceful and pretty. What is it about you that got me feel like I was coming home?
If we’re a couple of peasants in the southern of France, I’d pick out berries with you and bake pies, bear your babies.
You opened half of your left eye and smiled. But you didn’t want to embarass me so you pretended to go back to sleep.
You’re just so sweet.
the myth is that i can only write about you, and not anything else.