She was as I saw her the last time: confident, so sure of herself that she scared me. She was what I was afraid of, the kind of stability that would only suffocate me.
I should have not taken you away from her. I should not have come between the two of you. She was your soulmate and you, hers. You’re so steady with her like you could face everything together. Unlike us where everything was hot and cold and there’s days I didn’t want you, days I spent with people I thought I loved. I didn’t want you and you felt unwanted, abandoned.
One look and she said to me, “Of course you’ll be here.”
What I heard was, “You’ve done enough damage.”
And I imagine you in that bed, alone, where you should not be had you not meet me, probably living your life still, careless and free, alive and not dying.
She said exactly that.
Just imagine if I stayed away just like she told me off once in a bathroom stall a long long time ago.
But I loved you, I loved you! How could I stay away?
But she said I could have and you’d still be standing. She was right and I felt my insides crawling leaving, slowly but surely, seeping away like thin smoke. My insides no longer belonged to my body and I was gone for good.
People talked to me and I heard them faintly but I wasn’t there.
Jetter asked me what she said to me on our way home but honestly I couldn’t remember anything, I only felt like I should undo me.
I know I wrote once after Camden beat you up, you came to see me. You were sweet and I told you, you’re a Daddy now.
But as I lived on in this side of the story, everything got rotten. You were broken. You didn’t wake up the next day, you didn’t come to see me.