she came to me. she knocked on my door said thank you, when really she meant thank you. i didn’t do anything. i wasn’t even there. i just got there. i saw you and felt this was just beyond my emotional capacity as human. i can’t do this. i can’t see you hurt. i can’t see you hurt and call it love. i don’t want to feel love this way.

and in a way that is very much sabotaging i began to think that I caused it, I caused things, bad things. If you hadn’t seen me, or met me, or knew me, you’d be fine. you’d still be with her and you’d be fine. we’d live our lives separately, peacefully. and at the time I really believed it. i believed we should have parted ways and be alone, together.

i would probably see you every now and then but we didn’t have to know each other this way. we could be some sort of acquaintance or two people who knew mutual people. i would probably still be tangled with him in some way (though i found it hard to imagine knowing him the way i did without me knowing you the way i did). but that’s it. 

i began to imagine us brushing hands at meetings or some casual gathering. i mumbled “sorry” and moved on. i wouldn’t be caught by your eyes, that smile, i would’ve kept going, not knowing you and moved on with my day.

the thought of me without you in life was so intriguing i might make it happen.

let me make this clear for you, just so the universe isn’t pretty random after all, i will love you either way.