all the answers you’ll never get

i had a surgical procedure recently. i was going to be anesthetised, sure i’d love to be dead for few hours, sure, i’d feel nothing, sure but i knew it was going to be very, very painful once the drugs worn off, so i asked you, you who had lots of them thank you me, what did you do when you knew, did you give in to the pain, what did you think about when you’re in so much pain, where did you go?

you didn’t say but you told me you saw me in a meadow, wearing white, and that second you didn’t care about anything anymore.

how sad, how deafening the silence after that.

maybe, i thought, just maybe i’d think of you when i’m dying, i’d drown me in your blue ocean eyes and i’d forget everything, i’d have no care for the world anymore.

but when it stroke me, this immeasurable pain i’d never felt, i was nowhere thinking of you. i tried.

i tried to think about your eyes, i tried to picture Nantucket home, the cliff and the ocean, nothing. it was grave and i couldn’t find you anywhere even if i wanted to. i tried to think of you the same but you weren’t there.

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